December 31, 2007
Mourning the loss of a perfect world; making my way through the tumultuous twenties; trying to find my place in this crazy world.
I get a bit nostalgic at the end of a year, and I offer this post as I do all of my other writings not as a series of facts and information but as an abstract and honest reflection of my journey as a young man hopefully allowing you to live a bit of it with me.
As I reflect on this year and on my twenties, I’m struck with one constant theme; searching. This searching took on various shapes, and sometimes appeared I assume, like uncertainty and ambivalence. But all of these wonderings were purposeful. What I’m left with is joy in the adventure of life but a bit of sadness at my years past. If my theme was searching, my question was “how does one make a proper decision” I thought maybe I knew how to do that but looking back upon these ten years, I don’t think I knew how to do it very well. And unfortunately, sometimes instead of older men coming along side and showing me how to do this, a few decided to be critics and hurl their displeasure sometimes secretly and sometimes openly instead of giving their guidance and offering their life-experience as a helpful tool. Why did they do that?
For What it’s Worth, Other Things I’ve Learned:
I’ve learned that the world isn’t perfect and if I’m to survive, I must settle into a system; somewhere, somehow, even if that system is flawed and even if my gifts don’t completely match. And that’s o.k, I suppose I’ll find my niche somewhere, just like most people my age. Besides money is an issue, I have to earn a living; one doesn’t get paid to wonder and write down these crazy thoughts, well I guess some do and they’re really lucky. So I suppose I’ll do that, find my niche, whatever that looks like…
And like most of my writings I once again open myself up like a book not knowing whether that’s a good thing or not. Sure, I risk getting hurt, but the much greater tragedy in my life would be to deny what I really think and to stuff all of these thoughts down deep, tucked away for eternity.
Ah, this brings up a question and one that might help me understand why some are so afraid to lead others (and by some, I include myself). How does anyone learn from someone who isn’t honest about their own struggles and crazy thoughts on the journey we call life? Maybe we just have a lot of people on this earth who are scared to death to be real and honest about themselves and the mistakes they’ve made, thus making the people who are honest feel very naked and stupid. I guess it is a scary thing, I suppose I don’t blame them, but maybe I do… don’t they teach us to be honest in Kindergarten?
O.K, I’ll stop there… So, you have it, vintage Ryan, good, bad, right, wrong, crazy, sane.
I’d like to thank the people I’ve journeyed with this year and who’ve listened to the many wonderings of my heart.
Happy New Year Everyone~
December 30, 2007
During these few hours before the fate of our Cleveland Browns is decided, I offer a few thoughts on the spectacular season that the Browns had. Remember the first game of the season? Heck, remember the first snap of the season and how we all just thought this would be yet another fall of hopeless Sunday afternoons watching our bad news Browns? Remember last season’s record of 4-12? Remember wanting to throw your drinking glass at the television and swear at the top of your lungs?
Well, a new Cleveland Browns team has come to town and this season brought with it not only a spectacular 10-6 record, but an excitement every Sunday in knowing that our Browns would compete and actually be given time for highlights on ESPN. Suddenly commentators had to mention our team and us Browns fans could finally smile a bit knowing that we actually mattered to the league.
So, in this time between the big game, I want to say that I’m proud of my Cleveland Browns team; it’s been a long time coming~
December 27, 2007
In thinking more deeply about this holiday season, I’ve come to realize why it might be difficult for some; and by some, I include myself in this list. This Christmas season, I know several folks who spent Christmas by themselves or working. I know some who will be mourning the loss of a loved one and many no doubt that will feel alone even amidst family and friends.
Could it be that the holidays are tough not just because one is alone or missing someone else; not just because its been a rough year financially, emotionally or physically. Maybe the real reason Christmastime is so tough is because there is somehow a very superficial ideal that’s presented. You know what I’m talking about; families gathered around the Christmas tree talking, loving and laughing; families on postcards beaming with joy, hair neatly combed sweaters on snug and the light of the fire in the background; the ideal of togetherness and love accompanied by gifts and material wealth.
Not that any of these things are wrong in and of themselves. I loved getting my picture taken and sending it to friends and family. I enjoyed getting together with my family this Christmas, and look forward to spending time with my Dad’s side of the family this Friday. But do these ideals listed above represent in any way the reality of familial and personal life? I guess I’m just concerned with the message that’s being sent.
What kind of ideal are we setting up for those who are alone at Christmastime? With our culture’s fascination with diamonds and romance, to the picture perfect family unit, I’m afraid we alienate some. And I’ll bet that some of the people that look the happiest at Christmastime, even the ones that fit into all of these so called ideals (married, with a family, snug, warm, diamond in hand and laughing) are really the one’s dying inside. They aren’t dying inside because they don’t love their family, but because compared to what our culture, and sometimes churches have set up, they lack what’s desired.
The danger is buying into this way of thinking and then giving self-pity to those who we think don’t fit into this ideal. In doing this, we make them (those that we perceive to be unhappy and not fitting in) feel like something is wrong with them and dig a relational chasm between ourselves and the person whom we are attempting to care for. Pity is paralyzing. I often times find that those who do the pitying are often the one’s not being honest with themselves about how they are feeling. They use pity as a medicine to make themselves feel better about their own pseudo relationships. No one wants pity, they want friendship, honesty and empathy.
So, the best way is honest conversation among family and friends, not letting the perceived ideal get in the way of what really matters. And what really matters is true and honest relationships filled with love, not only the eros love that’s so stressed this time of year, but the kind that Jesus showed us all: agape love, which should be the true ideal this holiday season.
Just some thoughts~
December 23, 2007
Wishing you a heartfelt Christmas full of love, honesty and meaningful reflection.
Ryan~
December 22, 2007
This article re-iterates an already well understood trend among American Christians. Without a doubt, the American Church will look vastly different in the years to come. This is certainly only one person’s perspective, but still an important perspective no doubt. Some of the more meaningful parts of the article are further down the page:
Revolution in American Christendom BBC
December 20, 2007
One of my earliest memories of my dad was watching him cook the evening meal, which was usually noodles, in our little apartment on Harding Avenue. I think he had the cooking responsibilities when my mom worked 2nd shift.
Dad, I will never forget that aweful dotted shirt you wore and your shoulder length hair. I’ve linked that song that I remember you dancing to when you cooked the noodles. Happy 50th!
Here it is “Kool and the Gang” celebration.mp3
December 19, 2007
So I wrote a little something yesterday. With the candle dancing in the room I call my home, I penciled my exact thoughts and put music to them. If you’re looking for tonal quality and perfect musical timing; you’ll have to search elsewhere. love-will-reign-2.mp3
In case you can’t get the song to play on Real Player or Windows Media; I’ve listed the words below. If you need to download any of these programs in order to hear the song, you can find the download links on the “My Music” page of this website
This is my prayer, for peace on earth, that love will win, oppression cease
This is my prayer, that hearts will love, be alive again, and enter in
This is my prayer, that truth will reign, no more foolish pride, no more callousness
This is my plea on bended knees, God hear my cry, and let me sleep
This is my prayer, please join with me, that love will reign, that love will reign (repeated)
December 17, 2007
The following is an observation at Walmart today:
She hung her head low and with a conspicuous glance leafed through the pages. The reflections must have glared back into her envious but cautious eyes, all the while whispering their fleeting lies almost audibly. I smiled as I walked by, uneasy for her as she stood out among the regular holiday crowd. She stood at a distance from the rest of her kind, wanting independence but knowing that this was her lot, her place in life; a life I could not imagine.
Her old and oversized shoes, undone by the hearty slush outside, sprouted reddish ankles that almost clashed with her cream colored dress. Her beautiful dark hair was hidden by a mask that no doubt had been decided on by a bishop generations before she was born. I saw her twice, both times she kept her eyes low, her only excitement was a quick smile at a page in the magazine.
Maybe it’s because I’ve just finished two books on the suffering of Muslim women or maybe it’s because growing up in Wayne County next to the Amish has always raised questions in my mind, but today I felt something deep in my heart. I ached for this woman in this store and in a more broad sense, I hurt for the women in this world who are strapped with the dead-bolts of religious legalism. This post is not without careful thought and for some time, I was angry at those who zealously opposed the Amish and or Muslim systems. It’s a way of life I thought, it’s a cultural thing, a system of doing things put in place for many years, why should some person, even well-meaning, attack its structure and system.
Over the past few years, my mind and heart have shifted a bit. In any system that claims authority from God, i.e the Amish system through the Bishops or Islam through the Imams, a dangerous line is drawn that cannot be easily explained away, although I’ve heard it attempted many times. These systems might tell you that they are peaceful and free, yet at the very basic level their people are exploited and an almost caste system is in place. I’m not saying these systems need the Evangelical Christian thump, not at all actually; what they need to experience is raw love. Bear with me, this next portion is certainly not without much controversy, I would appreciate the chance to talk about it with anyone who would like to. These are my thoughts as of December 2007:
The legalistic Christianity of the Amish, sometimes legalistic Christianity of the conservative Christian Church and the oppression ridden religion of Islam all have the same elements. All have claimed God as the source of their ridiculous rules and regulations. I’m fine if a system has cultural regulations and traditions, just please don’t attribute them to the God that I know; He’s not about that stuff and He doesn’t care what clothes you wear or if you walk alone in the street, or if you want to drive a car, or if you want to wear pants. Again, I recognize that some of this stuff is cultural and sometimes even agreed upon by some of its victims. However, when the cultural is mixed with the religious, which in most cases it is, a dangerous thing occurs.
To the leaders of these extreme systems, I say this: If you want to make up rules to keep women at bay, that’s fine, I love you but I think you’re a self-righteous bastard. And please, please, keep the name of God out of it would you? Jesus did an awful lot of hanging out with women and it got him into trouble with the religious leaders. I think I know why he did; He wanted to prove this very point!
I thank you for your grace, that is most likely not available in large amounts for many of my brothers and sisters caught in one of the above systems. I welcome your responses and for the record, not that I need to say this but I certainly don’t hate the Amish, Muslims or any of my conservative friends either; I just hate the systems that have been put in place and wish people would fight against the rules and regulations that bring about oppression (key phrase “bring about oppression”) I recognize that I could be wrong and as always, would love to dialog with you about these thoughts.
Oppression hating Ryan~
December 13, 2007
When I was young, one of my earliest memories of Christmas was laying in my bunk-bed watching the gray silvery tape-recorder buttons flicker in the beams of our night-light as I listened to my grandma’s sweet voice in the still night. I can hear her singing those words “toyland toyland, little girl and boy land…” with her distinctive vibrato. Her voice so soft, tender and calming. I can recall to this very day the feelings of wonder and excitement while listening; always letting my imagination wonder to far away places. I can remember most of the songs in the Christmas book that my grandmother would sing and play for us as kids. I vaguely remember gingerbread houses at the Crownhill Road house as well…
Thanks grandma for making my young Christmases special and for using your gifts to calm and bring joy to others. I love you very much~
December 10, 2007
As the plane descended to the chilly air below, I thought of the wonderful weekend I had in Florida. The cookout and sautéed mushrooms, running in shorts, the warm sun on the beach, starbucks with mom, flight simulator and HD television with dad, the stimulating conversation with Katie and Arturo in Port St. Lucie and the feeling of a Spring evening as I drove back to the Orlando airport.
This week I’m a sixth grade English teacher at Hoover Middle School. I’m doing a week sub position for a friend of mine, Ryan Kumpf, who’s wife just had a baby. It was demonstrative adjectives today, we had fun.
December 7, 2007
Sometime today, somewhere along the southern Atlantic coast, a man lay in the sun sipping on his starbucks coffee. He later cruised down A1A while Gwen Stefani and Colbie Caillat played on the radio. The warm springlike air rushed by his ears and he swears he heard Christmas music in one of the beachside storefronts.
Nothing compares to the rhythm of the ocean and the warm Florida sun~
December 6, 2007
Meaningful conversation as the signs pass by
Snow flies in my view, blue wash concentrated on ice
Stopping for enriched wheat flour sweets
Sting of cold as I grip the pump
The familiar surroundings of western Ohio
Icy snow-covered slippery back roads
Sliding past the lane, brakes pulsating
Silence and expectation as doors open
Smells of pine and glittering lights
Wooden structures all around
Country magazines, happy welcoming faces
Tall, round face, arching smile, big hand
Hugs and food, stories, sympathies exchanged
Rough floor beneath thick dangling socks
Silence, touch, warmth, honesty, laughter, togetherness, connectedness
Words, vices, realness, tears, silence, understanding
Thick suites, quietness of outdoors, running, playing, tackling, stories, splashing
Savoring, resting, being, praying, barking, playing
Parting, clear bubbly soda cans, dark purple light
Sparks on roadway, cell phones, politicizing
Ending, empowerment, connectedness, oneness
December 4, 2007
Almost finished with a very moving story. Highly recommended. Khaled Hosseini’s writing is superb.
Below are the books that I am currently reading or have recently finished:
I’m just amazed at Steinbeck’s writing; he has a way of describing something seemingly insignificant, in the most detailed way. I love how he sets the characters up in this story. He has an understanding of humanity that is so deep and rich. I’m going to be reading this for a while, it’s a long one. Highly recommended though~
A very quick read that takes you on an adventure to many places around the World surprisingly informative about the geography and historical significance of the places traveled all the while diving into the deep layer of family dynamics involved in sibling relationships. I’m really enjoying this book right now~
One of the best books I’ve ever read; I learned about the true love that I was missing all along~
December 2, 2007
This post was written immediately following the Brown’s loss to the Arizona Cardinals.
To whom it may concern: Technically, Winslow made that catch in the endzone and it should have been ruled a touchdown according to the NFL Rule-book.
NFL Rule #8 under the Forward Pass section:
A forward pass is complete when a receiver clearly possesses the pass and touches the ground with both feet inbounds while in possession of the ball. If a receiver would have landed inbounds with both feet but is carried or pushed out of bounds while maintaining possession of the ball, pass is complete at the out-of-bounds spot.
I don’t agree with the second part of this rule about an official being able to subjectively determine wether the receiver would have come down inbounds but, according to this rule, if a receiver leaps directly in the air and is legitimately pushed (or carried) out of bounds; as was the case with Winslows catch, then it should be called as a catch on the field. Again, I don’t like the subjectivity of the rule, and although many attempts to omit it have failed, it is still an NFL rule and needs to be followed.
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