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He keeps singing it and I remember where I was; in fourth or fifth grade just returning from Camp Luz after falling in “love” with Jessica. She had long blonde hair and rode horses. It would seem like that was not enough information for a boy to be “in love” with a girl, but let me tell you I can still “feel” what my mind could not explain even after seventeen years. I can still see her looking at me from across the campfire. I can still picture her blue tie died shirt hanging loosely off of her young very ‘interesting to me’ body, Her blonde hair wasn’t completely straight, it had little wavy things in it and some of it touched me when we sat down to sing songs; I still remember the way she put her hands into the pockets of her jean shorts folded just above the knee, three fingers in and two hanging out; I was hooked. To revisit the days of a body rush with just a touch of the hand or a smile seems refreshing, where has it gone, but this is not a lament, I’m happy for that brief week in my life.

Needless to say, I didn’t want to leave camp that year and I remember pulling down the long lane and hearing this song playing and it meant a whole lot more to me than just music and lyrics; I could feel it and it was etched somewhere deep inside.

Another song accompanied my young “in love” heart that summer and I remember telling my dad that I wanted to be with her, if he’d have known how his words would cut me, he wouldn’t of said “you have to get over her Ryan, you won’t see her again”

I was crushed, I was ready to do anything…my first real love. In retrospect, my dad was only trying to protect me from the hurt that could come from waiting for a girl.

I did see her. I drove the family mini-van with my aunt and mom to her house in Plain City Ohio. I ate dinner with her big family and jumped on her trampoline. I wrote and sent pictures- we lost touch- where did love go…

It’s amazing how a song can take you back; to a first love, first dance, a carefree or dreadful time, a certain person…

Sometimes I wish I could revisit those days but to travel back would mean neglecting the present, plus, who really knows if my mind is essentially glamorizing those moments. I don’t want to think that way though…

Just some mumbojumbo from Ryan on the brink of this great fall season~

This article appeared in the New York Times on Thursday August 2, 2007-

“Saudi Arabia Says it May Meet Israel, With Conditions”

The substance of the article was of no particularly striking matter. Rice visited Saudi Arabia about an annual “Israeli /Palestinian Peace Summit” in the Fall that has happened every year. The big deal is that Saudi Arabia has agreed to sit at the table with their Israeli counterparts for the first time since 1991 (New York Times Aug 2)

What grabbed my attention was the specifics that came from Saudi Arabian officials regarding the objectives needed in order for the summit to take place. The quote of particular interest by the Saudi foreign minister Prince Saud al-Faial is this:

“we are interested in a peace conference that deals with the substance of peace, not just form.”

Isn’t that what we all want; not just summits and endless conferences/meetings that throw around the nice pretty “P” word but actual written out objective steps to the process itself. Is world peace possible? Sure, is it achievable? Sure; will it happen? Considering the last few thousand years of violence, I’m not entirely an optimist. Do I believe it’s the responsibility of Christians to act on behalf of peace? Absolutely; Do I believe there should be people working out the objective steps to peace; absolutely; will all Christians agree on their individual roles in achieving peace; probably not…but in my heart somehow I think they should.

I’ve had much experience with the Anabaptists and their peace stance as well as other denominations that take into account many years of history (not that Anabaptists don’t) and the debate that continues on what the best method of achieving peace is. Obviously, I think being a Christian means loving my neighbor and that probably means not killing him, but sometimes I don’t know how to answer the big questions about real evil and global conflict.

Anyone who gives you a nice cozy easy answer either has not thought through this issue in its entirety or hasn’t had enough life experience to exhibit a thoughtful response. I can already hear some responses as “it’s easy, Christians are not to kill” or Jesus would never condone violence of any kind” I agree, but does that deal with how we govern right now and deal with all of the already mess in progress around the world. I think we should all love each-other, that surely is the answer but somehow I don’t think everyone will do that; hence the subject of the article in the “Times” What is my objective role in this quest for peace, cause I think it really is an individual issue first and foremost.

On first glance it seems simple, but it’s a complicated issue (the global issue), one that some groups claim to have a firm grasp on. Something inside me would always rather err on the side ignorance and would rather remain neutral on the subject; not that I don’t have a grasp on what Jesus asks me to do but speaking of the larger issue of World peace, I don’t know if I have objective steps; other than everyone putting down their weapons and praying for each-other (good luck with that one Ryan)

I’ve heard most of the arguments for and against war/violence to achieve “peace” so I’m not looking for a correct or incorrect doctrine; Doctrines about this issue have been around for many years and sometimes only serve to puff us up…

I guess I’d just love to hear others’ thoughts about this stuff-

In conclusion; I suppose peace starts with me loving my neighbor; I know that is surely an objective step-

I’d love to dialog about this issue, let me know your thoughts; I know it’s a complicated one~

Yes, the internet connection is working; Just a quick update for those that might be following this blog for information. To anyone else, I apologize for the taskiness and objective information about to follow:

New Church; Heartland in Hartford City; wonderful church with loving loving people and a pastor who is both firm and gentle in the same breath. Great food after church today carry in way out in the farmlands of Indiana

New place to live; address coming soon!

I’ve been teaching inner-city Marion kids; pretty rough crowd but I love it

Tomorrow 8am kindergarten class!

Will be auditing an Old Testament class at IWU; I’m a student! Yes…

Grad School ? at the moment; one day at a time

Job possibility working with troubled kids within a city middle school…exciting!

Labor day weekend next week seeing my family, will be good

My life is very adventurous right now and full of pleasant surprises along the way. Thanks for your patience with my taskiness

Ryan~

Time; no, not just a Hootie and the Blowfish song; Is it a series of events consecutively marked in our minds? Perhaps an abstract idea only oppressively strapped to our backs by the cruel time inventor…grrr…

Lots of questions passing through my head at certain speeds and I find when I’m in this state, time has no bearing or coarse, no anchor on which to steady itself; it just goes and I go on unnoticing it.

I also find another funny thing about time. I spend it thinking about (my friend would say glamorizing and heightening) things that happened in the past. Making them out to be something way more than they were originally or maybe the opposite, not remembering the time at all just because my mind cannot put proper context or frame to the events. I think there is a psychological definition for memories that cannot find homes due to unresolved ness; not sure what that is yet- I will revisit this thought in a few paragraphs below

Back to the point of this entry-

Being full of energy, I as of recent, have been working out at the track facility at IWU which has quite a nice a mondo surface that feels like the workings of sponges beneath one’s feet; I feel faster running on the red and gray with white trimmed track. I was doing a workout of 200 meter intervals which I was attempting to do at 35 seconds each. Not very fast and with about 50 seconds of rest in-between, it was a brisk workout indeed but not one that made me fall over.

Maybe my mind was conscious about it, or maybe I’ve just been heightened lately to the reality of how much time I spend doing certain things; I do not know why, but I began to try and keep track of how long it felt like I was running those sprints. Now maybe it works for the mile or the 5k but for the life of me, I could not keep track of the time it took to run those sprints. Now, I certainly had a watch on and I certainly finished in about 35 seconds each time; this isn’t the point; I know I can get used to a routine and pacing, but in the actual running of the sprint, recognizing where time went was a dreamlike experience. Sometimes it felt as though an eternity had passed and other times it felt so quick, before I knew it, I was done.

Ironically, the church bells rang our for the six o’clock hour and I looked at my watch, 5:50pm (I had a hunch that those church bells were off from previous times in the evening hearing them and thinking them premature, now I was sure; I guess their congregation needs help in being punctual)

There is a point to the church bells, hang with me-

After hearing the church bells I decided to run one more sprint to finish off the set. I started my watch at the common start and began running; all at once my legs felt very tight and I pulled up softly and gently; no big deal I just need not subject my body to another sprint, it was very tired from the previous days workouts and was telling me so; I’ve learned to listen to it. The funny thing is, I looked at my watch and it said 11 seconds on it; I only took a few steps and then pulled up; that time went so fast! I remember running a 100 meter dash in less time than that. How could I only have gone 40 meters and not recognized the time differential? I was convinced that I needed to re-examine my thoughts about time and this post began brewing in my mind.

Well, as you might know, I’m reading Steinbeck’s “East of Eden” and have been immersed in the richness of his storytelling the last two days. If I thought I could let this “time” thing go any longer, I was surely reminded that I must put these thoughts down after reading a section of the book last evening. To quote Steinbeck and to revisit the early thought about my psychological reasons for holding onto things:

“Time interval is a strange and contradictory matter in the mind. It would be reasonable to suppose that a routine time or an eventless time would seem interminable. It should be so, but it is not. It is the dull eventless times that have no duration whatsoever. A time splashed with interest, wounded with tragedy, crevassed with joy- that’s the time that seems long in the memory. And this is right when you think about it. Eventless ness has no posts to drape duration on. From nothing to nothing is no time at all.”

I think I’ll let Steinbeck end this one~

My day at the head-start program in Marion:

She was submersed in sleep, it was hovering all around her; she looked for something to land on, some safety net on which to fall. She stopped, looked with lazy eyes and stretched out her arms towards me.

I must have felt what only fathers feel when children reach for them in complete trust. She wanted to remain here even when everyone else left. She blindly trusted, believing that no-one would question her strength, ability or willpower just cause she had leaned so heavily on another human being.

Why don’t we believe that?

We like to say it just like we enjoy candy in our mouths; we say it cause it’s sweet and the thing to say:

“it’s fine to be vulnerable”

but surely we don’t mean it because we judge those who are.

Today I felt alive in the presence of those who hurt and love so innocently. It’s refreshing to see a soul cry at the thought of someone not liking them or instant excitement about their dog’s name. Today I read that famous “Corduroy” book; you know the one where the bear is on the shelf with no button. He goes looking for the button and then eventually finds it after a perilous adventure through the store. The deeper meaning is that we are fine just the way we are but the little girl that asked me to read the book to her at 3:45 today, asked if there might have been a tear in the little girls’ eye that was holding the bear at the end of the book. I said probably; cause she was so happy to just be with her friend.

Again I felt alive~

Other than working out quite regularly, applying for jobs, and reading newspapers and books, not a whole lot else happening here in Marion aka (flattest land on the planet). I’m getting used to the sudden shifts in weather that they say are “normal” around the midwest. I survived the tornado a couple of days ago (not really it was one county over…but still a bit scary) For more on tornadoes and their theological significance, my friend’s 3 year old son has posed some questions here.

The difference here in Indiana is the wind…it whisks and sprints around taking with it the warm and or cold temperatures that used to be. I never know what I’m going to wake up to; today at the farmers market downtown, It was very cold due to the wind, I definitely needed a sweatshirt. I suppose it’s like changing soap, it just takes a bit of time for the body to adjust and adapt.

So, I found a bench in this park that’s about ten minutes away from our house. It has a river, shade, lots of plants, weird people and limited cement; it’s a nice break from what’s familiar. A friend of mine recommended Steinbeck so I picked up “East of Eden” and have absolutely loved it so far. The way he describes nature in the opening section is breathtaking and his language is sometimes sharp and to the point but always full of details, details and more details. They say “love is in the details” I think they (whoever they are) have it absolutely figured out. More than just the details of life; I thank God that he made the meticulous details of a woman…

So, Steineck writes about these people who move to this valley in California. Right now he’s setting up the characters and I’m excited to find out more about Adam and whether he will be a solder or not. The razz between brothers Adam and Charles is quite interesting as well.

It was a nice day; I read my book, read the “Chicago Tribune” went to Starbucks and watched two football games

All in case you wanted to know~

O.K, maybe not geographically speaking but it sure feels like this is the place where young Christian minds come to “get their fill” Indiana Wesleyan (IWU) and Taylor University both very notable Christian Higher Ed institutions lie just about ten minutes apart from one another here in rural Indiana. I’ve had to get used to these perfectly parallel and perpendicular road systems out here in the giant cornfield called Indiana. I did find a hill the other day just outside of Upland! Yes!


Christian Colleges:
This is really something I’ve thought about for a long time after attending Malone College, a four year liberal arts Christian College in Ohio. We have these big institutions where young Christians gather to acquire knowledge and experience about the Christian life and then they go, some to the business world, others to the missions field; some stay and teach while others feel called to go back to their communities they grew up in.

I’ve certainly been changed by my experiences at Malone, but it was much less about the institution itself and more about the people that I met there. I was changed by seeing how someone who followed Jesus lived and acted. I watched carefully and in turn, had to re-shape some of the ways that I thought and acted.

All of this said, I can’t help but notice the poverty in Marion and the very poor small cities (o.k, boroughs) that lie just beyond these two Christian College Giants. I know much is being done by both of these Colleges to serve the surrounding communities and it is very evident that they are trying.

I’m constantly reminded of what Jesus had to say about the poor among us. He talked about the poor more often than any other group and challenged us as believers to always be looking out for those among us who might be in need.

As I drove through the cornfields to Taylor last night, I just thanked God for where I was at and the richness that He’s blessed me with. I also began to ask Him what is required of me in this place~

Peace from the cornfield…(there certainly was not peace last night, we had some major storms, the tornado siren went off and I thought I was in the middle of the wizard of oz movie…) Storms are bad out here!

Sorry about the randomness, my mind works in random ways…

Today I did some running around in the morning and finally was added to the Marion Community Schools sub-list. It was a rather arduous process of paperwork and ironically, my teaching license in Ohio is not recognized in Indiana ( gobs of paperwork and two classes to do that!) So, I’m just another guy with a bachelor’s degree that is attempting to substitute, although I made it clear in my very informal interview that I have some experience as a teacher; I guess it’s a “we’ll see” as my grandpa would say…

So, I’m sitting here in Starbucks after receiving a really good (free) drink from my friend Julia who works here; don’t know what it is but it’s the perfect blend of sweet and bitter…an excellent coffee drink!

For the last couple of hours I’ve been busy writing cover letters for jobs and updating resume and reference information although it’s been rather hard to concentrate over the past hour because these three girls sitting to my right have nothing nice to say about anyone. Every person that walks through the door they criticize and I think I’ve overhead the whole social spectrum of Marion High School including who is a geek and who is hot, who’s a nerd and who needs a makeover. I guess it’s a stage called teenage girl but I feel sorry for them because I know they only do it because they are insecure about themselves. They look intently at every person (especially other young women) that walk in the door and always have something negative to say about their appearance. I’ve tried hard not to listen in but I suppose I’m nosey or they’re just too loud. They don’t seem to care about anyone else and certainly don’t care that others hear their critcial conversations.

I guess we all have ways of coping, some choose to concentrate on everyone else’s problems and imperfections; I’ve been there before

Guy just sat down in the table behind me with only a Bible in his hand…interesting; woman sitting in the corner is crying while talking with someone who appears to be her husband; couple talks intently in the corner; mother just greets daughter, they embrace for a long time, it must have been a while; now the girls beside me have high school pictures out pointing out the flaws of people’s mouths, chins, foreheads…honestly they are saying this stuff out loud…

I better stop being attentive before the day slips away and I don’t get any work done at all!

Great conversation with couple of guys behind me (the one guy with the Bible from above) about Jonah and how God loved him enough to discipline him. This guy in the gray t-shirt needs to be a pastor, he’s preaching the word. We exchanged emails, maybe we’ll do some coaching together some day? Turns out, both of these guys were linebackers on Marion’s football team a while back; I told them I was a Browns fan…they apologized

Later~

I had a good weekend visit back home in Wayne County complete with Grandma’s cooking, Music at St. Paul’s and of course the Browns game.

I always love playing at St. Paul’s in Smithville. It’s always fun around the Lantz family and to see Tom strumming that guitar across the way was really cool. What a great group of loving people at that church!

I also had a chance to visit some friends as well as see my grandpa after a recent surgery.

Tom

Weird guy at the piano

The Conrad’s Josh, Ryan and Clete

Back to Indiana~

Ever been around a nervous dog? If so, you know the tension that can fill a room just due to the barking, pacing and nervous movements of an animal. You would also know that dogs can pick up on anger, nervousness, love, hurriness etc. My brothers’ dog knows exactly when he’s ready to leave in the morning down to the second! Amazing right! Have you ever been around a dog that started barking and biting if you hugged or showed affection to the owner? Jealousy in a dog? Of course…

You might be wondering where this is going: Here it is; if dogs can pick up on all of these emotions, tension, love, timing etc. How much more can humans, especailly uncaloused young children. This means babies are picking up on the tension in our families and homes. No wonder most of our coping mechanisms and compensatory habits are in place by age five!

Families are important and when there’s anger, tension and stress (that’s not talked about) it is detrimental and forces people to immediately search for ways to handle the (unacknowledged) tension.

How great is it to be around families and people at rest, those that have dealt with their anger, tension and stress in healthy ways

if dogs can sense it, humans definetly can!

So, I put down some of the things going through my head as I traveled over the last few days… If you wish, I offer the following thoughts:

“Writings from the Airport” (a collection of writings reflecting the humanity exhibited at airports around the United States; o.k, maybe just Baltimore, Indianapolis, Orlando and Cleveland)

Her lower lip quivered and hung as if suspended waiting for the return to some normalcy. He stood awkwardly beside her learning from her vulnerability. The scaffolding of intimacy was being built in front of an audience that would be challenged by this display. An awkward silence and action filled the area near the gate. He softly scratched her back but she teared as if not feeling it. Nothing would take away her sadness but perhaps his presence made her secure. Her hand covered her mouth as if to hide; she could not hide, not from the raw emotion displayed on her face. She couldn’t hide from us; the small group of men that pretended not to watch behind our newspapers. We were all affected by her exquisite display of femininity; challenged and changed, the way God intended it. I thank her for agreeing with her feminine heart, allowing it to flourish and express itself freely.

She mis-placed her wallet! She frantically grabbed all possible pockets and began panicking. The rest of us attempted to help but she wouldn’t have it. But wait, here comes business man in suit calmly setting down wallet on the counter; “don’t know how it got in my bag.” he said…

Natalia age six with her short brown hair and little legs illuminated by the interior beams at our seats. She sat between her mother and I. She shook my hand as we introduced ourselves. She pointed out to her mother that on the pamphlet “the plane isn’t supposed to be in the water.” Ah, the things that go through kids minds. She looks over at my computer intently, probably attracted by the light that’s brightly bouncing off of the screen. She seems eager and easily excitable; ready to take on any challenge life might bring. To be age six again and in an airplane…no fears ready to go wherever the plane takes you, trusting mom that she won’t leave you…talking to the weird guy sitting next to you even though you have no idea who he is or where he’s been; kind to anyone who is human.

Dalton; tall guy; sprinter, strong; worker at Walter Reed Medical Center in D.C. Down to visit family. Sharing a bit of life with someone only meetable once. The laughter on the plane as we pulled back from the gate. It’s nice to feel apart of humanity tonight.

The muslim reading the Koran; the music student with his professor; the mom checking in with her kids late at night; the college student listening to the ipod; the team from Taylor; the military personnel; the countless people living lives that sometimes I forget exist all crossing paths at once

Airport cont. “the current threat level is orange” speaks a strange voice from the ceiling..

No English, but the language of love and sorrow are universal. He embraces her and kisses her on the dark stands of hair above her head.

A tour of the airport walking in endless mazes amidst other lost people some on purpose others franticly scanning for their destinations; worried mothers futally attempt to control their environments- it won’t work, too hectic roll with it please…

I walk by the place, that room, the seat, that memory still fresh- a reminder that I can love

She holds tightly onto his hand as they stroll; with controllable yet loose movements brushes against him for ease and assurance, he’s there-

Shoving food in, yuck

Dulling senses with drink, glossed over look as if a cry for help

“When everything is made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am” One of the greatest musical lines and definitely one of the greatest songs lyrically ever written. “Iris” by goo goo dolls plays overhead where the lady once spoke

Talking with Jamal in the hat store about the Browns and their chances this year…nice guy…

to be continued

if you’ve read this far, thank you for your interest. I’m flattered that you would take time to read these thoughts~

So, last night I took a yoga class with my mom. I didn’t know that I could stretch like that and I certainly didn’t know that it could feel so good to lay supine on a thin mat while being told to relax all muscles in my body. This really soft music was playing in the background and I must admit I had to chuckle at some of the positions I was in. I also had to chuckle at the name for the positions. The woman leading the class would say things like “updog to downdog” in the most feminine and quiet voices…it was kind of funny.

So, I did yoga last night and was all limbered up for the 6am run with my mom. She’s hard to keep up with, in fact, she’s out mowing the lawn right now before we head off to a museum in Orlando. The museum is a replica of the “Holy Land” and is supposed to be quite cool. I’m excited.

Time to get ready~

Sitting on the beach baking in the sun; dad and I landing 737’s on flight simulator for hours at a time; reading the morning newspaper; going to Jason’s deli after Saturday night church at Calvary Chapel; somewhat reluctantly agreeing to go to the shooting range and fire a 45 that kicked me back to the wall! eating my mom’s wonderfully cooked Sunday night pork-chops; sitting here watching Rush Hour 2 on the t.v with my dad and loving every moment of Chris Tuckers one-liners and Jackie Chans acrobatics…

Florida has been great, a time of relaxing and connecting with my mom and dad. They’ve rolled out the red-carpet and I’ve enjoyed a much needed time of rest (on a really nice queen sized bed).

Thanks mom and dad~

So, my grandpa had surgery yesterday and as far as I know he’s doing well; I certainly hope so and look forward to visiting him next week when I’m home. I also look forward to flying down to Florida today to visit my parents. I’m excited about spending some time with them and catching some of that really hot Florida sun!

My grandpa’s surgery among other things got me thinking yesterday about the healing of wounds both physically and spiritually. It led to the following few thoughts:

In God’s economy some things are flipped and often misunderstood. Weakness is strength; humility is courage; honestly is bravery; and the scars we bear are character building. As believers, we don’t look at our past and wince in anguish; Can you imagine if Jesus looked at His past like we do sometimes. He endured brutal torture and utter humiliation. Anyone dealing with shame and guilt need only look at the cross where Jesus endured so much shame, being naked and exposed, bleeding and dying a criminals death. He showed us His scars…

Because we understand frail humanity, our only and necessary response is gratefulness. It’s comforting for me; someone with a past that doesn’t qualify me for any prizes or stars, to know that I can stand up strong under the protection and covering of a God who would come down to this damned and dark world and rescue me swiftly from myself; my intentional and un-intentional sin. It’s risky at times to be vulnerable with ourselves and others. but in God’s economy, scars remind us of the beauty of redemption.

I wear my scars openly; if you are uncomfortable, maybe it’s not me you are uncomfortable with~